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We talk a lot about leadership. But not enough about how we lead, and what kind of culture we create around us as a result.

In one of my recent trainings, a participant waited until the end to speak with me privately. She was articulate, driven, and full of ideas. But her tone dropped when she said:

"I want to create change. I see so clearly what we can improve. But the problem is… it’s my manager. They're the biggest obstacle."

I’ve heard this before. Too many times, actually.

This is what happens when talented people operate inside a controlling culture; a culture where leadership is performative, where decisions are made top-down, and where power is protected instead of shared.

In contrast, coaching cultures feel different. You can sense it in the room, in the way people talk, in the way they dare to think aloud. In coaching cultures, leaders:

• Ask more than they instruct
• Listen more than they interrupt
• Empower more than they micromanage

It’s not soft. It’s not “too idealistic.” It’s actually smart leadership. And it’s deeply needed.

Because here’s the truth: When a culture is built on fear, silence, and control, it’s not just innovation that suffers. It’s the people. It’s their confidence, their wellbeing, their sense of contribution.

And for women, especially in environments where hierarchy, tradition, or unspoken gender norms still shape the workplace, this becomes even more complicated. You work hard to find your voice, and then when you finally try to use it, you're told, “stay in your lane.”

So what do you do when you’re stuck in a controlling culture, but you want to lead?

This is the real question. Because not everyone can just resign. Not everyone can “build their own table” right away. Here’s what I’ve seen work, in my own experience, and through the leaders I coach:

1. Lead from where you are

Leadership is not a job title. It’s a mindset. Start embodying the kind of leader you wish you had. Be the safe space for others. Influence without demanding authority.

2. Think like a UX designer

You don’t force change. You design for it. Observe. Ask. Test. Understand the stakeholders. Make the change feel like it belongs to everyone, not just to you.

3. Speak their language

If your manager is the obstacle, understand their fears. Are they afraid of losing control? Of appearing weak? Of failure? Present your ideas in a way that shows alignment, not threat. Bring evidence. Tell stories. Make it easy for them to say “yes.”

4. Protect your energy

Not every battle is yours to fight. If the environment truly resists change no matter what you try, don’t shrink, but don’t burn yourself out either. Sometimes growth means moving on. Other times, it means outgrowing the need for validation.

When I told that young woman, “Don’t wait for permission to lead,” I wasn’t giving her a motivational quote. I was giving her a strategy for survival and for transformation.

Because the most dangerous thing a controlling culture can do is convince you that your voice doesn’t matter. That your effort won’t make a difference. That you should stop trying.

But coaching cultures? They’re built by people who don’t stop trying. They’re created by people who ask better questions, who lift others as they rise, and who understand that real leadership is about creating more leaders not followers.

If you're in a position of power, whether you’re managing a team, running a business, or leading a project, ask yourself:

Am I building a culture where people feel safe to lead? Or one where they only feel safe to follow?

There’s a big difference. And it starts with how you show up every day.

Let’s open this conversation. Have you ever worked under someone who controlled instead of coached? Or maybe you were the one who helped shift a toxic culture into a trusting one.

Either way, your voice matters here, share your experience below. Because the way we lead shapes more than just results. It shapes people.

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