秦岭生态旅游节4月21日开幕 邀您畅游魅力商洛

I learned how to coach from a virtual school. Initially, I doubted that remote coaching would be as effective as being with someone in person. I quickly learned I was wrong. The success of my virtual conversations was not based on my ability to ask good questions. I quickly learned that my effectiveness depended on how fast I could engender feelings of trust and safety.

Even online, the relational field between you and the people you are talking to is palpable and powerful. When you foster feelings of trust and safety in others, the need to protect and defend oneself is regulated down, creating optimal conditions for a productive conversation.

These 7 tips will help you establish a safe and trusting connection when working remotely:

1.  Make sure you have a quiet and visually pleasant place to conduct your conversation. You must be free from distractions such as ringing phones, email, and events happening outside your windows. If people can see your workspace, make sure the clutter is clear. Your space should reflect your professional image.

2.  Choose your emotional state. No matter what happens, the energy you project is vital to the success of the interaction. You need to regulate your emotions and energy throughout the conversation. Don’t get caught up in their stories or confusion. Use non-reactive empathy to remain receptive and caring while keeping the conversation moving forward.

3.  Ask where they are right now before diving in. Are they ready for the conversation or distracted by projects or life events? Ask if what just happened is still lingering in their thoughts and what they need to do to be present to the conversation. Give them time to shift their focus if they choose to move into the moment with you.

4.   Play back what you hear so people know you are listening.1 Use reflective statements so people feel seen, heard and valued. Use summarizing and paraphrasing to reflect the words you hear and the emotional expressions you notice. Start your sentences with, “So you are saying…”, “You got quiet (or loud) when…” or “What seems to be most important to you is…”

5.  Ask what challenges they would like to overcome. You will get more traction in a conversation by asking people what challenges they would like to address than what problems they are dealing with. Then ask them what it might look like if the challenge didn’t exist. You can then explore what they can do to diminish or eliminate the challenge.

6.  Explore the meaning of their words. Ask what their words and ideas mean to them. Notice and share shifts in tone and expressions to help them discover what hasn’t been said. Help them examine the usefulness of their beliefs about the present situation and assumptions about the future. This will help them choose their next best steps.

7.  Be conscious of cultural differences. Knowing the context people live in will help you connect safely and respectfully. Use your curiosity to learn about their perspective before you "already know" how they see the world.

1 Look for more tips on using Reflective Inquiry in your conversations in my new book, Coach the Person, Not the Problem: A Guide to Using Reflective Inquiry.  Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2020.